Christmas Cards Part II: (Peace on Earth; Rest in Hell)

“This is NO Disneyland!”

When someone busts out with this introduction, it makes you “NOT”  wish to believe in Mickey Mouse or Santa.  However, it does make you wish to drink.

Lightyears ago, along with several friends and family members, I participated in a chartered rafting trip which can only be described properly through video evidence.  Fortunately, no video evidence exists.  My recollections of the details are sketchy at best, or worst.  I do know this.  Prior to hitting the five star rapids, we were informed of how dangerous the river may be for novices.  Unfortunately, we were all novices.  Thus, prior to setting sail, the instructors, for legal purposes, informed us as such, “This is no Disneyland.”  They deemed it as the most dangerous place on earth…or a river.   Most of us on this trip were fortunate enough to visit Disneyland as youngsters.  We were also reluctantly pleased to have paid so much money to be at the most dangerous place on earth as opposed to the “happiest”.  Collectively, our group made it the most dangerous and funnest place on the earth that day….only according to some.

Nobody died.  I guess that’s the most important part of this “Christmas” story.  Wearing helmets and proper life jackets, we rode those rapids so fiercely, and with such strength, confidence, and ambition, you would almost think a beer would be waiting for us upon arrival after surviving such a journey.  Indeed, there was a beer.  It was a really big beer.  It was a beer so large all twenty of us participated in drinking it, yet it never seemed to be empty until someone, in the most unholy of manners, stole it from us.

Nobody stole our beer, and no charges were filed.  Our seemingly endless supply of beer was somewhat justifiably confiscated by the campsite managers for somewhat ridiculous reasons.  Once they confiscated the adult beverages, the campsite was also not a Disneyland.  Those level five rapids were nothing compared to the level five idiots squatting for an evening at their campground.

Legend has it that several members at the campground had a little too much fun.  Allegedly, one member of our party performed a “spot on” wonderful silver back gorilla routine.  On an intensity scale of one to five, the routine started as a six.  After entering  several tents whose members did not include those with our party, the performing gorilla   kicked it up to level ten, a level formerly not known to exist with such a routine.  Fortunately, no one was injured, and he remains married to my sister in law.  There was loud music, obnoxious Billy Joel sing-a-longs and even louder laughter.  Another member of our group decided it would be a terrific idea to climb a tree and  leap upon a neighboring tent, thus destroying the tent, and ultimately, manifesting the creation of the  second best Christmas card still dangling from refrigerators for those still living in the Pacific Northwest.  (Maintaining Holiday Sprit, I will refrain from using the actual organization’s name.)  The Christmas card reads as such: “On behalf of Furious Five Star Rapids and our neighboring campground, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!  P.S.  You, and any member of your group, are officially banned from setting foot on our privately owned campsite and won’t be allowed to participate in rafting with our charter company forever.    Peace on Earth.”    They could have just ended with, “May you all live happy lives before resting in Hell.”  Seems a bit more peaceful….



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