Seattle Public Univerisity

We just received a bill from Seattle Public Utilities.  It was for 0.00 dollars.  The check is due on May 7th.

I think we’ll save the check and the stamp.

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Stink Holes

Sink holes are nothing to be challenged with, especially when county workers are attempting to fix the issue.  There is currently a sink hole on our street.  Since we live on a dead end road, we had no way of exiting our house, even to get toilet paper.  I went down to visit five “workers”.  Four of them were doing nothing…..I mean Nothing, and the other one was awake. That’s progress.

Holding my hand up with contrition, I worked for the county one summer while attending college.  As a rookie, I was instructed not to work so hard.  The county veterans said I was making them look bad.

I finished the summer while county veterans, on the county clock mind you, were spending the first three hours of the day traveling to a local convenient store collecting doughnuts and chicken gizzards, followed by finding a secluded park where they could eat their meal and read the paper, and then it was nap time for them.

While the 70 year old I was “working” with was snoozing in the park, I walked around picking up garbage just to make myself feel as though I didn’t have to attend confession after work.

We also had Fridays off.  Sweet deal.  I still found a different job.

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Teachers at Large

Armed teachers?  On the way to school, you may as well give them a bottle of tequila on the way. This is not the way to solve this school shooting issue.

I don’t carry a gun.  As a former a teacher for fifteen years, I was involved in one lockdown only resulting in one death.    The boy took his life before entering our school.

I hate making light of this issue, because there is no light.  I know teachers.  If you arm them, they will end up shooting one another in the staff room.  Teachers can be as dangerous as the troubled children we teach.

I once threw a ripe orange at one of my best friends in the staffroom.  It hit him square in the forehead.  Just think if I’d had a gun.  You do the math.

Shootout at the middle school corral .


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Juice Bags

A friend of mine, whose name, Jeremy, will remain nameless was recently cut off by a driver he referred to, out loud, as a “Douche Bag”.  With a momentary lapse of verbal judgement, he forgot his three elementary children were in the back seat.  One of them asked, “Dad, what’s a “Juice Bag?”  I think he got off easy on that one.

As a loyal friend, I’m going to reveal the true story to his wife when his and her boys start calling people Juice Bags.

There are just too many juice bags in this world.  One of them is currently trying to run our country.

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Two Stooges

Before heading to the Confetti Plant, my wife always loves me reading the Super Quiz in the Seattle Times while she’s dolling herself up for a hard day of ripping paper. There is a different subject each day. Usually, it’s Science, Geography, food or Ice Dancing. Today’s subject was, “The Bible”.  That’s a tough one, since we’ve not been to church since the Bible was written.

The first question was, “What were the actual names of the three wise men?”  Without hesitation, she answered, “Larry Moe, and Curly.”  It was brilliant.  I fell down on our bathroom floor with amusement.

Me, being a simpleton, would have answered, “Gold, Frankenstein, and Murry.”

One out of three ain’t bad.




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Intros and Concussions

Sometimes, the best introduction ends with a  great concussion.

Some of my brothers picked on me.  Since I was the youngest, it was pretty fun for them to  perform acts of unkindness.  Hanging me up from a tree while serving a two year sentence in leg braces was only one form.  Personally, I preferred tamed fighting as opposed to emotional abuse.  Far to0 young to match their wits or humiliation approaches, I chose the barbarian approach…  Fighting.  As one of  my brothers  once said, no one wins in a fight.  So true.  It’s senseless, mindless, and you wind up with a broken nose, concussion, or blood from your opponent causing your mother to do an extra load of laundry.

Not sustaining a broken nose, as I am aware of, the concussions and blood were true, and I deserved some of them.

I love my brothers and am glad I didn’t mess with my six older sisters.  That would have been concussion central.  I love them as well.  They all taught me how to be strong, compassionate, and how to gamble.

We were and are a family, and I wouldn’t choose anyone else to help me along in that pasture of ultimate kindness.  There really was no bullying, just blood and love, and a few concussions.

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Do you Believe in Basements?….Yes!

No skates.  No Ice.  Just tennis shoes and clubs.

The Winter Olympics isn’t just about figure skating around a rink.  With remorse, I was forced by my sisters to watch ice skating.  Although knowing zero about figure skating or hockey, I preferred ice cream and ice hockey.

After witnessing the “Miracle on Ice”, in 1980, my brothers and friends became interested in the sport.  None of us had skates, but my father accumulated a load of golf clubs from many of the doctors working with him.  They provided the clubs as a form of tithing or charity.  After the 1980 Winter Olympics, we used the clubs as hockey sticks and the used golf balls as pucks.

While still wearing a leg brace at the time, I was forced to be the goalie.  Coincidentally, Jim Craig, the USA goalie, was my favorite player on the USA team.  I used a worn downed catcher’s mitt to defend our goal.  The mitt should have surrounded my face.  I took more golf balls off me from the basement floor than Frazier took hits from Ali.  Someone taking a putter and hitting a golfball into your forehead is just flat out embarrassing.  Can you at least pull out a three wood or even an eight iron.

Staggering back, it was glorious.  It may have been dangerous, but it sure was fun.

No brain, no pain. No goals.  Just use your head.

Perhaps, we’ll see another miracle this year.







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The Buffett

Cheeseburgers can become paradise.

Although I didn’t love the song by Jimmy Buffett, “Cheese Burger in Paradise”, I learned to love his music and free beer.  So did my wife.

People believe Disney Land is the happiest place on earth.  I beg to differ.  For one night, a Jimmy Buffett concert in the glorious sun tanned coconut city of Seattle, he made it the happiest place on earth.

My wife had no interest in attending this concert.  She only knew two of his songs.  I told her to trust me.  She did and didn’t regret it.  It wasn’t just the music which was terrific, and additionally not the entertainment, equally as terrific…. It was the atmosphere.  People were happy.  Every paying guest was relishing in what can be good and peaceful in this world.  There were no tears…Only smiles and people handing you beers.  We felt as though we were at the most peaceful colosseum in Rome.  Jimmy and his band made you, for two hours, forget how ugly this wonderful country can be.

Facing difficult times, sometimes we forget about the paradise we, as Americans, created. I hope and pray this current cheeseburger can once again become a paradise.


Britt’s husband

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Child Two

Johnny Appleseed was one tough cuss.  My good friend worked on a stage with my future wife in an elementary school performing in front of an angry mob infested with parents crying about their son not receiving the lead role.  The parents were only verbally abusive.  I didn’t know him at the time, but my current friend’s fellow students took it a bit further.

The posse, or “stage toughs” attempting to wrangle him back to his bleachers in the fourth grade didn’t know who they were gambling with.  He was Johnny Appleseed.  I guess you could call it method acting, now referred to in Spokane as Meth acting.

One of his stage competitors, his understudy, was wildly sore when he didn’t land the part, and Nathan did.  When losing the part, the second Johnny Appleseed hired a local bully to hold Nathan’s arms behind his back so the understudy could beat the crap out of him, hoping Nathan would concede.  Well, Nathan was tougher than they thought.  He delivered an award winning performance and even mentioned Child One, my future wife, in his acceptance speech.  Nathan still hasn’t forgiven the boy who beat him up.

Those child elementary actors are none to be trifled with.

Don’t mess with Johnny.


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Tired of Crying

I just told a good friend of mine I’m tired of crying.

Recently, I lost a brother and a friend.  Now, we are losing a mother who only has twelve children left.

I will cry, but she will prefer me, and many others, to laugh………

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