Holiday Egg Blog: A Christmas Shit List

Never ever would I complain about a gift I received on Christmas. In fact, even if something such as a bumble bee sweater or steak flavored edible underwear is mind scrambling dreadful, I’ll still prance around with it on in front of the giver with a phony smile and even suggest they buy the same items for all of their family members the following year. That way, after those family members express displeasure, I look far more impressive as an individual. However, on that notation, I can make fun of the gifts I provide for others during the Ho Ho Holiday season. This year has proven to be no exception.  I purchased a gift for Britt, my new wife, which was exceptionally shitty.

The Turbo Homedics Sound Machine (THSM) seemed not only perfect, but a gift my new bride would receive solidifying our bliss.  This was a surprise gift; one costing nine dollars and zero sense.

By sound machine, allow me to explain.  The THSM is a device which does not provide music, rather sounds referred to as “white sounds” meaning (to an idiot like me) soothing sounds placing a person in a state of comfort when otherwise pissed because they can’t get to sleep.  There are four functions on this concraption: rain (we don’t hear enough of that in Seattle) brook (that only makes me think of trout) Ocean (great whites) Dockside (boats and beer….a great combination).  These sounds, however, when concerning the THSM, are like rear view mirrors; sounds on the THSM are much larger and more offensive than you should hear.  I’ll present some examples of how these sounds would be interpreted by the common man, woman, child, or derelict:  Rain (pipes bursting)  Ocean (Hi Fi Radio Static)  Dockside (competitive snoring)  Brook (drive by shooting).  After a democratic vote with Britt, we left these others off the list which certainly should be recognized: Screaming Baby, Ambulance, Apartment Neighbor’s Domestic Violence, A Dentist’s Drill, Anything sung by Ricky Martin or Michael Bolton, and last but not least,  Elderly female Asians speaking in their native language just prior to singing Karaoke….(no offense to my relatives Simon, Caitlin and Minh………my sister, Anne, persuaded me to write this one).

Ingenuity has never been one of my strong boots, but I have discovered a way to utilize this ridiculous item as opposed to taking it back to Bed Bath and Befraud.  (I lost my receipt).  This last explanation is not for the faint of fart.  Britt and I live in an 800 square foot house.  Much to Britt’s dismay, I refer to it as the “Exorcist House” because first time visitors who wish to receive the grand tour can stand in the middle of the living room, turn their head 360 degrees and see the entire bumble home…..the master bedroom, the guestroom, the kitchen, the one bathroom, the cat box, the front and back yard and our weird neighbors.  My elongated point:  We have a tiny house so when I go to the bathroom to complete my morning journey, (release the hound) noises extracted from my body are more embarrassing than they should seem.  As newlyweds, I still feel uncomfortable making these sounds and can sometimes be found on the lawn because, as most of my friends know, I am a timid cuss.  How did I alleviate this issue?  Answer?  The Turbo Homedics Sound Machine!!  It sure was a shitty present, but she’d prefer gunfire and excessive radio static to what comes out of my butt.  Now I just need to find a fan the size of a walrus.

Happy Holidays!  I hope you gave something to someone that was worth a shit.

20 thoughts on “Holiday Egg Blog: A Christmas Shit List

  1. You forgot to include the cat condo and the “Irish Family Gannonson” tree house when describing your humble “commode.” All I know for sure is your modest home is worth 2-3 times what my Spokompton hovel on Meth Manor did. A house is just a place, a home is where family share their lives with each other and their pets. I am very happy that the two of you re”found” one another. Happy New Year!

  2. No offense taken Brother Ben…although Simon might say otherwise! You are wrong in that the sentence should read….Elderly female (and male) Asians speaking in their native language (5 straight hours) just prior to singing Karaoke (another 5 straight hours).
    PS. Best Christmas gift…Mother buying 16 different types of underarm deodorants for her grandchildren.

  3. I found your blog on google and read a few of your other posts. I just added you to my Google News Reader. Keep up the good work Look forward to reading more from you in the future.

  4. Anne turned me on to your blog Ben. God love you, and if He does’nt, I SURE DO.
    Love your stories. and picture each one of you, I loved so much seeing you all grow into adulthood. ( I’m sure you would challenge that remark, but it is how I prefer to see you.) Greetings to Britt. Love, Aunt Dorothy

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