As we all know, Christmas is right around the corncob pipe, so we can all develop our Christmas lists of items, or in my case, just simply magical ideas to hope for this holiday season.
1) I wish our 2 dogs and 2 cats could sleep, just once, past four in the morning.
2) I wish our cats knew the difference between cat boxes and carpet boxes.
3) I wish my mother could get brand new ears enabling us to have a phone conversation unlike this: Ben: “Mom, I heard you are going to Alaska!”
Mom: “What? You think I like Battle Star Galactica???”
4) I wish one of our neighbors would stop placing his yard waste, which isn’t yard waste, in our bin in the middle of the night.
5) I wish not to end up in jail if said neighbor does it again.
6) I wish my sister, Patricia, bless her soul, if only for a day, could text in a language known as English.
7) I wish it would finally rain in Seattle, thus ending this drought.
8) I wish my wife understood that two closets full of shoes just isn’t enough.
9) I wish some of our neighbors would acknowledge us by a different gesture other than two large middle fingers.
10) (this is another inside one, but many of us throughout the world have wonderful friends who could really use this gift) I wish my friend, Chuck, could learn how to swear a little more often. He’s just so pious.
11) I wish I wasn’t surprised in the morning so often after eating asparagus the previous night.
12) I wish Sasquatch would stop by for some holiday cheer. Knowing his celebrity status and how these hairy bipeds feel regarding pictures and autographs, I’d merely request a lock of his or her hair. That would simply make all my lifelong thoughts and dreams a reality. And, my wife would no longer think I am crazy.
And for the lucky number 13) I wish Charlie Sheen, Mel Gibson, and Tiger Woods would all show up caroling at our doorstep on Christmas Eve………just before descending on an escalator to Hell.
This is my humble list, and I don’t think it’s too much to ask. I wish for no presents, not one. If I could add one item to this list, and I think this is the only one that may be a stretch, I would wish for the Swedish Chef to prepare our holiday feast. For those Muppet fans, I’d try and write his tune so you could hum it in your heads, but my Swedish is a little off. For those people who don’t know who this famed chef is, you may ignore this last part. I only know three words: Bork Bork Bork.