The Irreverent Cornbread Dressing

For all you a-holes not knowing the difference between dressing and stuffing, don’t worry about it. I didn’t understand until my mother stopped making both. Pretty simple. The stuffing is stuffed in the turkey and dressing is placed in a buttered glass dish, also known as lazy stuffing.

Pre heat the oven to 3000 degrees. Wait a minute. 375 degrees unless you live in Canada. You and your metric system are on your own.


Two table spoons of butter. Get the salted butter. We are all going to die, so we may as well go down in glory with salt and butter.

Two Onions chopped. I have two great friends from Walla Walla, so I get the sweets. Other than my friends and their mothers, there is nothing good about Walla Walla, other than the name and a side of asparagus.

6 large cornmeal muffins. Unless you are a mormon, skip the Marie Calllender’s waste of your time recipe and go to your local baker. Believe me. They are better. No cooking or prayer required.

One ostrich egg , or you may substitute it with a regular egg at the local grocery store.

Fresh Sage leaves, chopped angrily if the in-laws are coming to bitch about you not taking advantage of stove top stuffing found at the dollar store. Two for one discount.

Firearms: Put them in a safe place.

1/4 heavy octane cream good for the soul and your last artery.

1/4 chicken stock…broth is for the suckers. The Irish are the only ones buying chicken stock because it’s cheaper and no one will hire them. It’s easy to hate the Irish. (My wife just informed me I’m Irish…dang it.). Thank God this recipe doesn’t include potatoes.

Salt and Pepper. It’s an equal opportunity spice.

The cooking:

Melt the butter in a medium skillet. My friend called it a munchkin skillet, and I found that offensive. To his credit, we did watch The Wizard of OZ recently.

Cook the onions for ten or fifteen minutes….or as or as long it takes to finish your drink…in that case five seconds.

Caramelize those onions as though they were your best enemy. Low and slow but try to enjoy the sweet suffering.

Mix the egg, cream and stock. Pour it over the corn bread, stir it together and thirty minutes later, you will be asleep but wake up to some great leftovers.

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