The Dreadmill

I hate working out.  I despise gyms, and, these days, I just don’t care for running at all.  Growing up, working out was easy because there was a goal I wished to achieve.  As a high school running back, I had to avoid defenses.  As a part time hoodlum, I had to run away from cops.  (only a few times)  So, I did enjoy sprinting, but there really isn’t any need to now.  However, staying moderately physically fit is a goal for all of us, so I do practice my walking skills on a daily basis.  Knowing my frequent walks from the couch to the refrigerator is not what the doctor orders, I walk at the park with our dog and we also have a treadmill.  This morning at around 3:46, well let’s just round it up to 3:47, I was wide awake with my wife sleeping by my side along with our dog, Laney, at my feet, and our cat, Otis, purring atop my head.  I decided it would be a terrific time to let them sleep further while I put some time in on our treadmill.  Sleep is critical for my wife since she works three jobs, one being a nighttime security guard at Bed Bath and Befraud.

The room housing our treadmill is a tricky one.  Located adjacent to our bedroom, the T.V. must be off in our bedroom because starting the treadmill will blow a fuse disabling the treadmill and the lights in the room. (Reasons for this are unclear which is why I’m trying to convince my wife to finish her electrician apprenticeship.) I made the mistake of starting the treadmill before turning off the lights leaving me in complete darkness.  That was o.k.. I just quietly walked downstairs to the garage and flipped the breaker back to on.  My wife heard me going down the stairs and advised me to grab a flashlight before working both the treadmill and the I Pod we use to watch while working out.  Good advice.  I didn’t listen.

I walked back into the darkness, and the treadmill was lit up again and since I once took a braille reading class at The Biloxi Technical Institute For Those Thinking They May Go Blind Someday, I successfully located the start and stop buttons in addition to button determining the level of speed I preferred.  Five minutes into my walk, I’d forgotten about the I Pad.  So, because I hate stopping for anything during a workout, and the fact I’m an idiot, and the additional fact I am the most impatient person in the world, I decided to work the computerized apparatus in the cavelike darkness.

Losing control of the I Pad and moving at the speed of a juiced up turtle, I decided to stop walking on the treadmill while it was still moving.  Not completely awake yet, I witnessed an optical illusion.  The glowing face of the treadmill was moving away from me giving me the perception it was going to crash into the wall directly in front of it.  I tried to reach out and save it with every inch of my insanity.  It wasn’t moving.  It was I who was moving away from the screen.  I had been velocitized.  This I didn’t realized until the treadmill flung me backwards into the nearest wall creating a noise only my family and neighbors could hear.  I knew it had awakened my wife when she bellowed, “Are you O.K.!”, as she was racing toward the room.  I also heard our cat, Otis, bellow, “Can’t a cat get any sleep around here?”  I guess our dog, Laney, was so terrified and worried she rolled her eyes.

My wife, Britt, entered the room, turned on the lights and found me, back against the wall and covered in a heap of suit cases once peacefully standing behind me.  If embarrassment is being “o.k.” well then I guess I was.  Otherwise, I had not suffered multiple contusions or even a minor concussion and my hernias were intact.

Laughing at me Britt asked with finality, “Why didn’t you use the flashlight like I suggested?”  Thanks, Britt.  Like I wasn’t suffering enough on the floor at 4:13 in the morning.

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