Out of the Woods

My wife was out of town for a few days so I thought I’d surprise her with something special upon her return.  I not only purchased a new toilet seat for our master bathroom, I installed it as well.  This was meant to astonish her and anyone who knows me (the installation part).

As a novice with respectful regard to toilet seat purchasing, I quickly found out there are two kinds of toilet seats.  The home furnishing store I visited offered plastic seats and wood seats.  Knowing ours was not plastic, I chose the wood.  It turned out to be the wisest marital and latrine choice I could possibly make.

We have three bathrooms in our house…..not that you care.  I do.  My wife’s first choice of bathrooms after retuning from her journey was the wrong one.  With excited anticipation, when she entered the one closest to our entrance, I yelled, “Why are you using that bathroom!?”  She looked at me as though I may be crazy.  It’s a look I commonly receive.  I could only wonder when she would be ready to use the new toilet seat upstairs.  I may be a bit goofy, but it isn’t often when I say something such as, “Hey, you should use our bathroom upstairs.  Wouldn’t that be fun?”  It wasn’t until the wee hours of the night when she finally used it.  Coming back to bed, I was wide awake, excited to hear about her new thrown and tell her of the proud King who installed it.  Nothing.  I decided to let it rest.  It was was indeed for the best.

The next day, my wife informed me that our five year anniversary is right around the corner, and she then asked me what significance five years may have for those lasting this long in bliss.  Knowing five years is a record for both of us, that was my only response.  She then needled me further about silver, gold, platinum, and other more recognizable anniversaries representing marriages lasting more than five years.  As a certified neanderthal, I stared at her with furrowed eyebrows and a snarled mouth halfway open.  This is our way of saying, “Are you serious?” Or, “How the Hell should I know?”  She caught the drift before any words could blow hard from my lungs.  Then, as usual, she educated me about something I don’t give a crap about.  Evidently, since the middle ages, people have celebrated each anniversary with a traditional gift associated with that year.  Less significant anniversaries are associated with gifts of paper, aluminum, glass, lint, plastic, and even foam rubber.  As a man of culture and science, I pondered her lesson and could only think, speak and wish for one thing the five year anniversary might offer: Beef Jerky?  Sadly, no.

Being a very fortunate man, in our wedding vows, we agreed to NOT purchase one another gifts on anniversaries, only take trips to places such as Tijuana, Spokane Washington or Bora Bora.  Since we have neither the time nor patience to travel with one another outside our zip code right now, I guess I decided to break one of our sacred marital vows.  The traditional five year anniversary gift actually is wood.  Look it up.  That wood toilet seat sure came in handy this year.

Now, I only have to remember the date.




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