It’s election time, and I just awakened to a pile of crap……literally. One of our 77 animals decided to use our carpet as a latrine. Waking before my wife, I was undecided as to whether I should ignore it, wake her up to help me clean it, or just vomit and clean it myself. I did the latter, and being knee deep in crap made me ponder our current God Bless America Election.
Election time this year has not given me an election. Evidently, I may not get an election for at least a week. I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or just succumb to political boredom. We have Obama, Romney and their two goons to vote for or against. I overheard one potential confused voter uttering the line, “I’m not voting for Obama, but I will cast a vote against Romney.” That’s when you toss in a cool fictional write-in name just for fun such as….oh let’s say, “Shayne Wing”. This doesn’t sound like a right or left wing, just someone who knows not to send canned goods to the Red Cross during a time of turmoil when they specifically asked for cash donations only. Romney didn’t get that memo. He was busy smiling in Ohio, commenting on the “little” storm brewing in the east. I don’t think he knows much about brewing, much like Obama doesn’t know much about tweeting. As a Mormon, you shouldn’t brew, and as The President of the United States of America, you shouldn’t tweet……..unless it’s about baseball.
During this election, some people don’t even know who they are voting for, or more importantly, Googling for. You see, to be “Googled” makes you famous like a potential President. Evidently, “Google Me” is a common phrase and command for someone desiring YouTube stardom, or as I like to call it, MeTube. (You can google that!) According to reliable sources, “Google Me” is also on the cutting edge of barroom pick up lines, even if you are the incumbent. Let’s Google that incumbent and a potential President. That should be fun, because nothing short of fun is what this election is about. Much like pickling anything, we can now Google anything.
A friend of mine runs a bar in D.C. That’s a Discombobulated Community just north of Columbia. Barack Obama saunters in with his entourage and sits down next to my friend and asks, “Do you know who I am?”
Friend: Yes. You’re Barack Obama.
B.O.: But, do you know who I am?
Friend: Of course, (and while shaking hands and ordering him a beer) you are Barack Obama.
B.O.: Google me.
B.O.: Google me.
Friend: Ok………..It says you’re The President of the United States.
B.O.: I’m the President of the United States! BAM! Google that, ya’ll!
Now enters an equally intelligent man named Romney. The same banter follows, only his entourage is full of women, many whom may or may not be his wife.
M.R.: I’ll have a non caffeinated cola, and do you know who I am?
Friend: Let me guess, if I Google you, I’ll bet you are running against the incumbent, correct?
M.R.: Google me.
Friend: I already know who you are.
M.R.: Google me.
Friend: Alright……..it says something about you being a rich mormon whose beliefs include…..(interrupted by M.R.)
M.R.: Just get to the good part about me running against this liberal over here.
Friend: Ok, let me scroll down a few pages…….yes, you are running against our current President.
M.R.: Darn right!
Friend: And, that makes you important?
M.R.: No! It makes me famous! You can Google me!
Now, in walks a fellow named Guy Loans. Great name. I want all my friends to have that name. This Guy must be loaded, or sell some sort of insurance.
Guy Loans: (A well groomed chap entering with wife in hand, both dressed like they had just been skiing in the Alps.) Do you know who I am?
Friend: (exhausted) No, I don’t.
G.L.: I’m Guy Loans.
Friend: Nice to meet you, Guy Loans.
G.L.: But, do you know who I am?
Friend: (wearily) Yeah, you’re Guy Loans, and don’t tell me to….
G.L.: Google me.
Friend: Oh, for Christ sakes, if I Google you, will you please take you, your ski bunny wife, those two clowns running for President, and get the hell out of here?
G.L.: Google me.
Friend: There’s about a million Guy Loans on here, but one is about an idiot skiing off a fifty foot cliff at the age of fifty. Is that you?
G.L.: That’s right! And you can tell your friends to Google that! I’m not only drunk, I’m FAMOUS!
Friend: Ok, terrific. As long as your wife can ski you home, can you all get the hell out of here?
As the incumbent and possible president exit, the future vice and incumbent vice enter. (I love the word Vice: one of the definitions being a trivial fault or failing. That’s perfect.)
Both are dressed in muppet costumes they’ve forgotten to take off since October 31’st. Ryan as Fozzy the Bear, and Biden as The Swedish Chef. (If you don’t know those muppets, you can google them and I can guarantee you they are much more impressive than their impostors.)
Fozzy is in very good shape and looks to be very young. Those are the first items on his Google resume. That, and he speaks English.
The Swedish Chef doesn’t speak a word of English, unless it’s “chicken”, “pork” or “da fishy”. Otherwise, he’s singing in tongues we can’t understand.
Perfect. Vote decided. I’ll take the guy running with the other guy I can’t understand. I think that’s Obama and his chef. Fozzy just wants his fame as a Stand Up Vice President.
God Bless America.
Personally, I don’t wish to be Googled. Beyond high school glory days, public records provide way too much information. Hi, I’m Ben Gannon, and please, don’t google me.