Treading in luke and lewd warm water the other day, I decided to edit a great deal of my blog when it concerned pot and R -74. No, not RG Three. I don’t think he’s gay, and I don’t care if he is. I know he’s black and I don’t care about that either. It’s similar to me just not caring about pot or homosexuality. I’m far too selfish to think about things I’m not involved with. Personally, I’m hetero all the way, but this new law could be the gateway law allowing people like me to enter into marriage with another heterosexual dude. I’ve often thought about it, because guys are just much easier than gals. That’s why I’ve made a list of really good friends I would consider marrying. However, there would definitely be clauses and a prenuptial agreement. (I’m happily married to a female, but if she leaves me for a woman, I need to start preparing.) For a long while, when activists would approach me with issues concerning gay marriage, I would respond with, “I’m not just against gay marriage, I’m against all marriage. It’s just one big bad dream.”
Ok, I hope I made everyone nervous. You know who you are. I will disappoint my six brothers who are not on the list, along with all of my nephews. Sorry. That’s just weird. With respect for your privacy, I’ll leave your names off this blog, but I will text and tweet about you. No one sees that crap, right?
1) You must be heterosexual.
2)Shaking hands…..fine, but no holding them unless said spouse is on his deathbed after overdosing on hot wings and bacon.
3)No cards, just sticky notes.
4)No smoking pot. This may strike you as strange, but I like a husband who is more smarter than me. Legend has it, smoking that wacky tobaccy, only makes you appear extremely dumb. I need someone to watch over me, and appear bright.
5) Absolutely no kissing. Not even if it is on the cheek after drinking twenty five Henry Weindard’s or fifty Rainiers. That’s called a gateway kiss.
6) Unless we win one in a fantasy football league, or if it’s on your collar, NO RINGS. There’s a beginning, but there will also be an end if any other rings are presented.
7) Separate beds unless it’s a snowstorm and we can only find a motel with a one bed room. Flip a coin or arm wrestle on which guy gets the cot, if another guy needs to share our room.
8) Fourth of July, Mother’s Day, The World Series and The Super Bowl. All synonymous and you must celebrate them. College basketball is optional, depending on how much money you have riding on it.
9) You don’t have to love Rickey Henderson, but you have to respect Him.
10) Jaws, Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid, Cool Hand Luke, Shawshank Redemption, The Big Lebowski, Super Troopers, Meatballs, Paint Your Wagon (acceptable even as a musical, because there is plenty of booze present) will all be available in your library of DVD’s and also allowed on Sundays on TNT, HBO, or Showtime. Cinemax must be viewed on one’s own. Seinfeld reruns are required nightly from 10:00 p.m. to 11:00 p.m.
11) You must be willing to laugh. Critical.
12) If you want to work out, fine, but I’m not going to the gym with you unless it’s to play racquetball. I WILL NOT WATCH YOU DO CURLS IN FRONT OF A MIRROR!
13) Ice cream: We will order TWO cones, and no, you may not have a bite from my spoon…………and by the way, no spooning at all!
14) No foot rubs…….period.
15) Astroturf lawn, unless you want to mow grass.
16) On Christmas, I only require a Mad Magazine and an orange in my stocking, labeled “happily not gay, but married”.
17) No Cats! Unless they’re really cool cats.
And 18) You must be at least 18.
Oh, and one member on my list suggested we never listen to the song, “Afternoon Delight” while driving with one another in a lime green Volkswagon Bug.
This list could go on and on and on and on like Star Trek, but I’m done for the morning. You provide the rest.