I am guilty of many crimes.  They are all just mildly and wildly stupid.  Today, I committed a crime.  I stole a dog and a ladder.  Stealing is really something I don’t do well.  In fact, I’m completely against it, but when our two dogs are wagging and begging to see a friendly neighborhood dog, I just can’t help myself from opening and entering through the neighbor’s back gate.  Opening and entering sounds far more decent than breaking and entering.  I didn’t break anything….other than the law.

Bo,  our neighborhood friendly dog, also affectionately known as Bobafet, Bobafettish, Bobo Brayton, or Botox  was allowed, by me, to exit his backyard.  He is safely hidden in our basement.  Actually, he is currently playing in our backyard with our friendly dogs.  Bo is a wonderful guy.  Our dogs express that fact to me daily.

Crime number two:  “Stealing a Ladder”. The owners of Bo, the dog, received a gift from me earlier this summer.  It is an extremely tall ladder.  I provided that gift because, being ridiculously afraid of heights and gutters, getting rid of that ladder and hiring someone to clean gutters seemed like the right thing to do.  My wife wasn’t necessarily pleased with my decision.  Before our wedded bliss, she purchased this firefighter like ladder for a mere sum of money I don’t wish to disclose.  It’s huge.  I don’t mind throwing or giving away crap that’s mine, but I probably shouldn’t give things to people which I didn’t purchase.  So, the right thing to do is steal it from the person you provided it to, right??  Reluctant to steal anything, I was forced purchase a 13 foot tree to commit the crime.  Unless I became “Spiderman”, there was no way to place the star on our Christmas Tree. Stealing that ladder was the only option.

If my children, friends, neighbors, dogs, cats or wife are starving, I will steal a loaf of bread.  That’s just the way I roll.

Sorry, John.  Bo is heading back home, but will you PLEASE steal our ladder back.