Pepper Spray Gets In Your Eyes

When a waiter asks me if I wish to have pepper on my salad, I always say, “yes”.  When a wife asks me not to pepper spray myself, I say, “no”.  I don’t give much advice to anyone, and if I do, nine times out of nine you shouldn’t take it.  But, every now and then, I provide terrific advice which should be documented as Gospel.   Just because you purchase pepper spray for your wife from a convenient store doesn’t mean it doesn’t work.

My wife takes walks with our dogs sometimes without me.  She also works at a job requiring her to leave in a downtown area when darkness falls upon everyone.  I once told her, “I can’t always be watching over you.” Therefore, I wanted to purchase her some pepper spray because I do actually like her and worry about her safety.  There are bears, cougars, raccoons, and squirrels in Seattle.  She explained to me that you can’t find pepper spray in many stores because many outlets believe it should be illegal.  That’s when I went on a scavenger hunt for pepper spray.  I was determined to find it, even if it was on the blackpepper market.

Discovering a seedy joint located three blocks away referred to as a 76 Station, I found some pepper spray.  I felt as if I was both Lewis and Clark not only finding the Pacific, but also finding a Northwest Passage.  Much like Mariwether Lewis, this story has a sad ending.

I wish to test items I don’t purely believe can work for three dollars, especially when it comes to my wife’s safety.  So, as an incredibly intelligent man, I requested she test it on me.  She refused.  I then retorted, “I’m going to nail myself with it then.”  Fortunately, I went outside, and she said , “Gannon, if you do that, I am going to be so pissed!”(I always know I’m in trouble when she calls me Gannon.) I really didn’t think it was going to work. The first shot didn’t.  I missed myself and managed to stain some siding on our house bright orange.  The second shot……..right in the face.  I figure if you’re batting five hundred with pepper spray, it should suffice.

Completely blind in my left eye and with my face turning bright orange, my lovely wife carted my dumb ass up to the shower to get this pepper off of me.  Since one of my eyes remained stable, (my whole head was burning) I could still manage to find soap.  Another bad idea.  Some of the pepper spray residue trickled into my right eye.  Now, I was literally blind.  I screamed from the shower, “Britt!!!! I’m blind……..please help me!”

She did, and after a few hours of blindness and blistering pain, I recovered.  I can’t count the number of times of my wife shaking her head because I couldn’t see her.  I know I’ll never do that again because that stuff works.

If she can aim in the right direction, I know she’ll be safe.

I think she provided forgiveness more for the pink jacket case with which the spray was encased.  She just loves pink.  I can’t believe she also loves an idiot.

 

 

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3 Responses to Pepper Spray Gets In Your Eyes

  1. Dave says:

    “I’m going to nail myself with it then” Best line ever. Great story.

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