That’s it. I’ve had it. I can’t take it any longer. Although I swore to ignore it, he has broken me. Matthew Mcconaughey is the most embarrassing man on television. Saturday Night Live has spoofed him. I knew that was coming the first time we watched one of his Lincoln commercials. After seeing one of his commercials for the first time, my wife looked at me and said, “You have to write about this.” I told her it wasn’t worth it, and the Onion would be all over it before me.
The world has laughed at him, and he continues to get stoned all the way to the bank; that is if he can convince a steer in the middle of a dirt road to give him directions. I no longer envy his sculpted body, because with beauty, must come the beast, which is his brain. Admittedly, when his commercials air, my wife and I stop, as if in a trance, and wonder if one of his commercials can be worse, or more laughable than the one before. He never disappoints.
If we ever have children, when they are old enough to watch and discern television, we will give them a test to decide whether they are worthy of us creating a fund for their college tuition. We will show them several Matthew Mcchonaughey commercials and then show him or her a bowl of cereal. We will then ask our child which one is more intriguing. If the child chooses the bowl of cereal, we know this child has a chance. If the child chooses the Matthew Mcc….(I’m tired of trying to spell his last name)……commercials, he or she will be cut off from any college tuition whatsoever.