Millions of people love the game of football. I’m one of them. For those of you who don’t really give a damn about the game, this is your chance to jump on the “I hate football bandwagon”. Specifically, in my case, I am going to watch, with furious passion, every down of THEE University of Washington football games this year. Or, if I may “Flatball games”. Now, of course, I will have to plan this very strategically with regard to the young Britt and Chain. It’s a simple solution. When I require watching a Husky game, our bargaining agreement is that she is allowed to visit a place called Target, where she can get drunk by purchasing five thousand dollars of crap she, the dogs, cats, and less importantly, I don’t need. (I’m currently wearing a Dairy Queen shirt purchased for 10 dollars by my wife, Britt……the neighbors are making fun of me).
My current wife and I graduated from the less relevant Washington STATE University… home of the Mighty Meowing Cougars. She earned a psychology degree, and I purchased an English Degree. Thus, it’s a bit odd we support the local Huskies. My ex-wife, her two brothers, father, several cousins and one of their dogs graduated from the University of Washington, all with honors, including the dog, who is currently a licensed physician. I won’t mention any of their names, including the dog’s, but they were all good people….including the dog. They were also wildly smart and talented in ways I can’t even begin to fathom. Therefore, I grew to hate all of them purely out of jealousy. The WSU, UW, rivalry amongst some of us in this new family also began to blossom….and, by blossom, I don’t mean like a flower or a glorious butterfly, but a bitter ugliness only idiots like me can understand.
During the rivalry Apple Cup Weekend, I had internal disagreements with my then mother in law. She possessed less knowledge about football than I did about the next coming of Christ. As a self proclaimed prophet regarding Husky/Cougar games, she was correct most of the time. The Huskies have a terrific tradition with beating the Cougars, but the Cougs were making a stance for many of the years I attended the college. By stance, I mean the Cougs ACTUALLY beat the Huskies on several occasions. Much like a person with Alzheimer’s might react, she could not recall a time the Cougs had ever beaten the Huskies……..which had happened the year before. Still, she would make comments like this which made me wish to swing, but you just can’t justify hitting a girl even when it’s about football. “Do the Cougars really think they can beat the huskies?” I was only speechless because I provide forgiveness for the blind, deaf and stupid. I maintain far more respect for people such as my mom….blind, deaf, kind, and far from stupid. By the wayside, my ex mother in law was far from stupid. In fact, she was always kind to me yet smart enough to get in my football kitchen. I hate it when people are brighter than me. Darn it!
I couldn’t watch the annual Apple Cup rivalry that day because: One, I was spineless and TWO: I spent most of the day at Nordstrom’s with my ex-wife and mother in-law. On the drive back home, I convinced wife and mother in law to turn on the game radio. The Huskies won on a last second field goal, and mother in lawless looked at me with disgust, further convincing herself she knew football better than most. I then threw up in her new car. It was my only form of defense.
Back to football, rivalries, and Target. If you were paying any attention to college football over the weekend, you may have noticed that the University of Washington narrowly squeaked past a very formidable opponent, Eastern Washington University which happens to be a division 2 school. The U of W was extremely lucky to be victorious. Only making a friendly bet with brother Tom, I thought the Huskies would easily conquer. I lost the bet, but really didn’t care because Britt was happy not looking for the remote control in The Puget Sound. (secretly, I began rooting for the underdog, Eastern Washington)
Guilty of jumping on the pretentious University of Washington Bandwagon, and now living in Seattle, I have been made fun of by fellow Cougs and friends including my wife, who just simply despise U dubious. An experience on Sunday solidified their argument…….and it was not created by jealousy…..sort of.
In line at the local farmer’s market, I noticed the non-gentleman in front of me was wearing a U Dub Cap. Kindly, just bored standing in line, I said, “wow, that was a tough one yesterday…..Eastern really put up a good fight”. That was all I had to say. This jerk was pissed because the Huskies only won by three points. He was abjectly disgusted by the fact the infantile Eagles of Eastern Washington, formerly known as the Savages, could even entertain the notion of winning. For those who know and appreciate the game of football, this was offensive.
Initially, I wanted to cram my knuckles through his pretentious teeth. But, remembering my pacifist background much like a vegetarian transitions from meat to soybean, I made the conscious decision not to kill him. And then, he kicked it up a notch. This guy struck a nerve with me forcing me to call my “Swing Like a Wild Man Settle Down Hotline”. After lying about playing this high level of football, he went on to describe how a team like Central Washington University should be playing with High School children. My brother, Tom, an all state running back, played football for Central for four years. He never made it to the NFL, but anyone who watched him play, had and maintains tremendous respect for what he did on the field. At that point, the man in this market was in danger of having his necked snapped after disrespecting my brother. My fuse was getting shorter and shorter as the line grew longer and longer and the tomatoes were getting older. That’s when I called the hotline. Coincidentally, my wife answered. She was at Target and politely told my not to swing like a wild man. I relaxed, smiled, and walked to Target, where she bought me an ice cream cone and a ridiculous t-shirt.
(for those of you a-hole husky fans who are not arrogant, I apologize…….believe me, there are plenty of a-hole coug fans)
Let’s just all keep our egos in check, and Husky fans . . . please stop making it difficult to support your team.