So I was sitting around drinking breast milk the other day and I thought to myself, at 24 years old, this may be a bit too old to drink breast milk. I am a Master Jedi when it comes to doing stupid things. Allow me to explain.
My mother-in-law, sister-in-law, including her fascinating infant, were in town over last week and we had a magical few days together. Britt’s nephew, who we shall refer to as Ty Bone, a six month old dynamo, became a bit fussy about eating. Ty Bone required a bit of coaxing to finish his breakfast one morning. Remembering the days of my brother, Steve, eating dog food from our mother’s kitchen, I decided to take over, thinking Gerber’s Cream of Wheat couldn’t be that awful. Evidently,when children, which I have none of, see an imbecile eating something, they tend to throw down their arms and eat it too. Ty Bone needed to eat. While being a Great Uncle, I showed this beautiful young boy how to eat. After sampling Ty Bones brunch, there was a tang I couldn’t quite identify. It turns out that “Gerber’s Cream of Wheat” was actually cream of boob. I didn’t know mothers placed breast milk in baby food. As a simpleton, I only thought babies drank the stuff in closed doors, or solitary confinement.
Trish, my sister-in- law, was extremely kind and funny when she said, “Do you know what you just ate?” I told her I ate some Gerber’s food to persuade your son to eat. She then told me what additional garnishes were sprinkled in the food. I then excused myself to the nearest bathroom.
Not only embarrassed, accidentally drinking breast milk for the second time, I felt horrible for Trish’s husband, currently fighting for us overseas, not being the first adult to try it out. Sorry, Nick.
As a male married with no children, I was forced to further research this important subject. When I do research, I text, tweet, or rotary dial certain qualified individuals possibly possessing more knowledge about profound subjects. The responses were astonishing. I did not know this was a common occurrence for mankind. I will again change names to protect the disgusting fathers and husbands.
Pat: Oh yeah, I tried it. It was a little thick, but I drink whole milk, and her’s is a lot cheaper.
Chris: I need it before I go to sleep at night. (he is thirty years old)
Ben: I am going to stick with Lucerne Skim Milk.
Ty Bone: Just give me a boob and I’m fine. Don’t give me any of that Gerber crap.
I am so glad I don’t remember my days as an infant.