Dancing with the Pirates

Convincing my wife to watch “Dancing with the Stars” with me the other evening caused her to look at me as though I’d finally started taking hallucinogenic drugs.  Of course, I don’t use drugs.  That still remains years and blocks down the path of my bumpy life. She was surprised, because I’d never made such a suggestion.  Late at night, it’s usually Seinfeld or Jaws putting us to sleep.

For years, my mother and one of my brothers have watched this dazzling show and find it entertaining, so I thought we’d give it a shot.  It was entertaining.  You put a pair of dancing boots on Geraldo Riviera, and it guarantees entertainment, in the most sinister of ways.   Not that I can dance, but if Geraldo’s partner just brought a carry on cardboard cutout through customs of him on stage, you wouldn’t have known the difference.  I don’t mind making fun of Geraldo.  I felt he owed me after making me suffer through three hours of mindless television regarding an Al Capone vault not providing any substance or resolution as to why we paid for television.

Years ago, when this delightful program began to air, my mother immediately took interest.  So, living in another city and speaking to her only once a week, I always wished to take interest in her leisurely activities.  Watching “Dancing with the Stars” and “Little House on the Prairie” was one of her activities.

Not giving a Yankee dime about the outcome of the dancers’ demise, I loved my mother’s commentary.  Similar to rooting for a baseball, football or basketball team you don’t give a crap about, you wish to support the ones you love, even if it involves dancing or soccer.  I wanted to root for her horse in this race.

“Who are you pulling for, mom?”

“I’m rooting for the girl with the wooden leg.”

With my sister laughing in the background, I replied with some distraction and incredulousness. “What?  Is this dancing with the stars, or dancing with the pirates?  Does she dance with an eye patch, and is the parrot on her shoulder taking lessons as well?”

Turns out, Paul McCartney’s ex wife was participating in the event, and I had no clue she had a wooden leg, or “prosthetic” now used in times following ancient Greece.  Loving my mother, unconditionally, I had to root for the lady with the wooden leg.

Seasonal Changes

A gal I currently live with delivered an astute observation while in my presence the other day.  She realized, after spending the last seven years of her life with me, that she doesn’t recognize the traditional seasons quite the same.  Before I took her in as a boarder, it was simply Fall, Winter, Spring and Summer.  These seasons only determined what she needed to wear on any given rainy day in Seattle.  Influenced by her meatball roommate, she began not only thinking, but living outside the seasonal box.  The seasons should not be merely associated with the weather and holidays, but something deeper, something fun, something that can be clean and dirty at the same time, yet, with the right attitude, quite intriguing: Sports.

Sports replaced the seasons for me the day my brothers informed me Santa and the Easter Bunny were a couple of phonies.  Fall was replaced with football, Winter was replaced with basketball, and Spring and Summer with baseball.  With the 2016 NFL season closing, my  roommate had a question for me.  “What do we do until March Madness?”  Neither of us giving a crap about the National Basketball Association, since their regular season games are meaningless, it took me a moment to respond.  “I don’t know.  Maybe read a book?”  Working long hours at the landfill leaves her only enough time each night to eat a hearty meal before her eyes begin to droop.  On weekends, she devotes her time to our animals and others in our neighborhood.  Years ago, she was a voracious reader, but lately, books have taken a backseat to pets and balls.

After college basketball’s March Madness, she will begin planning her next season around baseball’s Spring Training in Arizona.  And, of course, following Spring Training, she will book tickets to Opening Day.  The rest of the summer will be plastered with backyard bbq and Mariner baseball taking us clear through to the World Series and the beginning of college and professional football.  I have found the perfect roommate.

RogerHornsby

There is no “WE” in Team

We, Us, I, and then some.  Pronouns, mixed with their arch enemy, Proper Nouns, can be a sinister and delicate bunch of instigators separating the realists from the loyalists.  They create unnecessary tension between the closest of friends, especially when it comes to sports.

I belong to an elite group of A-holes.  Rather than “elite”, perhaps I should use the word, “select”, or even go as far as to say, “pretentious”.  As a lifelong advocate for rooting athletic teams to victory, I refuse, when pulling for a team in our region, to say, “Gosh, WE really kicked the stalactites out of the those guys yesterday, didn’t we?”  Since I didn’t suit up for the team that day, or physically participate, I don’t recognize myself as being part of said team.  With due respect, I speak of the wins and losses equally.

The Pacific Northwest losses:

Me: “The Mariners are on an eighteen game losing streak.  These ten dollar beers aren’t worth showing up to watch them lose.  I’m staying home until they decide to win a game.”

Fan: “We just lost eighteen straight games. I can’t believe we don’t have a closer.  I could pitch better than these guys.”

Me: “Well, the Cougars blew another twenty point lead, only to lose again in the fourth quarter. This cheap beer was almost worth watching three hours of suspended anguish.”

Fan and Cougar Graduate:  “I can’t believe we blew another lead.  Our beer is even flat.”

Me: “If the Seahawks are winning, this city is much happier, but why do these fans insist on spilling ten dollar beers on my wife and me?”

Fan:  “Did we lose!!!???  Oh, crap!  I should have been paying closer attention.  Sorry about spilling a beer on your wife, dude.”

Some wins:

Me: “The Cougs and Huskies both won on the same weekend.  That’s unusual.   It would be nice to see them both ranked in the top twenty.  Let’s celebrate by drinking two beers manufactured and brewed by other people in the Pacific Northwest.  They sure do make quality beverages.  We had nothing to do with this hoppy flavor, but let’s  raise a glass to them as well.”

Husky Fan:  “I can’t believe we pulled out that win this weekend.  The Cougars also won.  They suck.  What’s up with that?”

Cougar Fan:  “We kicked butt this weekend.  The Huskies won as well?  Screw the Huskies.”

I have followed the Cougars, Huskies, Mariners, Seahawks, and former Seattle Super Sonics for almost forty years.  During those years, I’ve never purchased a jersey representing those teams, but I have invested in a mother load of hats, game tickets, beer, and time  justifying my stance as a true supporter.  I just don’t choose to use the term “We” when referring to the teams, and I feel somewhat vilified for not doing so.  You could argue, as a Washington State University Graduate, I choose not to use “We”, because I’m not particularly proud of their athletic history.  I’d rather maintain I just have some silly principals, or petty pet peeves, only few understand.

It is my opinion that a good friend of mine abuses his right to say “We” when referring to every college or professional team in the Pacific Northwest.  He did attend the University of Washington for a year, transfer to play tennis at Eastern Washington University, and remains a Cougar, and Gonzaga faithful, because he still has a valid Washington Green card.  I wish I had that passion and positive grassroots attitude.

The same friend, we’ll refer to him as Craig, called me the other day to apologize.  Myself being a professional apologizer, sincerely dealing them out like blackjack cards on a monthly basis, I was surprised, and somewhat nefariously excited to hear his act of contrition.  It was similar to a gift you don’t expect or lobby for during the gifting season.

Craig has been teaching Science for twenty years, and is well respected by his peers and, most importantly, his students.  Devoting years to establish impeccable credentials, he, additionally, is willing to adapt to the culture of the modern smart ass phone pupil.  Respectfully, he is not willing to accept the blame for his forefathers, and be part of their team.

Clearly frustrated, he called me with regard to a mandatory class he attended introducing a new topic required to be integrated into his class and others’ throughout the State of Washington.  Native American Culture was the topic, and they discussed how they could properly infuse Native American culture with the current Science curriculum.  With an open mind and heart, my friend embraced it, with one exception.  He took exception to the instructor, a whitey, using the pronoun, “We” each time she spoke of the atrocities the whites bestowed upon the Native Americans.  Each time she would use, “We”, he was offended, thinking, “Hey, lady, what occurred then was despicable, but I wasn’t playing for that team.”  On a much deeper level, he finally understood my stance.

 

 

 

 

 

Beverages, Baseball and Buffett (with a side of Football)

Comfort food for the ailing sporting Soul:  If anyone shed tears regarding the Seattle Seahawks losing yesterday, don’t look forward to next year’s football season.  Get over it, and look forward to baseball’s Spring Training.  The outcome of the games don’t mean a thing to the casual baseball observer, and nobody leaves crying, but they are fun, and everyones’ disposition is quite lovely, even if they dislike baseball.  Most people enjoy a beer and a little sunshine, followed by the sweet sound of a wooden bat cracking a ball. If they don’t, they can all go to Hell.

One of the many components I admire and respect about baseball, as opposed to the wonderful sport of American Football, is beer usually gets poured “in you” at a baseball game rather than “on you”, or your wife, at a football game. Depending on the city, that is one of the many reasons I love baseball more than football.  Without going into great detail, I also have a lesser chance of getting beat up at a baseball game than at a grid ironed, face painted, pre functional, potential catastrophe NFL game.

Football season is over for Seattle, our place of residence, and we are looking forward to Baseball Spring Training and the sun, though not the Mariners.  After opening day, we will only watch the Mariner games on television and pay more attention to the barbecue than the game.  That’s not entirely true.  My wife and I pay painfully close attention to more innings we wish to admit. That’s why we fly to Arizona for Spring Training.

Why is Spring Training so lovely.  It simply reminds me of a Jimmy Buffett concert: Great entertainment, happy seventh inning songs, and people purchasing beverages for others they have never met and not worrying about the outcome of the game or concert.  You will always have a smile on your face when you leave the venue.

The Raffle

Every parent should know that a one dollar raffle ticket is all it takes to destroy a boy’s dream.  They should teach this at the Juilliard or Dr. Suess School of Proper Parenting.

With the National Football season in full swing, and living in Seattle with the “12th Man”, it’s an exciting time for everyone in this city and throughout the State of Washington.

I’ll enter our neighborhood supermarket on Sunday mornings before the Seattle Seahawks game and be the only person present without a jersey.  I’m not a member of the “12th Man” brother and sisterhood, consisting of rabidly loyal Seahawks’ fans, but I do watch and root for the team each week.  For those loyal twelves, when they win, there is celebration.  After a loss, I witness adults crying.

Returning to a stable home in Seattle, when the Seahawks win, I smile, and look forward to the next game.  When they lose, I simply say, “Oh, what the hell”,  happily listen to my wife spew some profanity laced professional athletic hatred for about five minutes, and then we look forward to next week’s game.  You see, back in the late seventies, when I was six years old, I was thee “12th Man”.  It was at that same age when my extreme, or extremely ridiculous, loyalty came to a tearful halt.

I was the emotionally unstable fan at that age who would, after a Seahawk’s loss, find a room, hide in it, and let those pathetic tears fly like the weak birds I witnessed being crushed by the opposing team.  Try living with that when you have two older brothers, or rather, hyenas, licking their already cynical chops, waiting to verbally pounce upon me after exiting the room.  My red eyes couldn’t hide the fact that I was, most certainly, the “baby” of the family.  Every once in a while, remaining close to those brothers, I am reminded of those days, and we all laugh.  However, crying was not the reason I eventually gave up on the Seahawks.  It was the raffle.

At age six, I spent a great deal of time with only my mother at home.  Being the youngest child, all my siblings had more pressing obligations at school than a boy in kindergarten. When inside, the doorbell would ring each day several times.  It was usually the Milkman, Avon Lady, Girl Scouts, or the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.  The Milkman was the only one I appreciated because I could persuade mom into purchasing a half gallon of ice cream to go with the fifteen gallons of milk required to fill up a family of thirteen.

One day, someone mysterious showed up to our doorstep with a raffle ticket in his hand.  Being the only man, or, boy, in the house, I kept a close eye and open ear when mother would open the door.  Listening to their brief conversation, he seemed to be a nice fellow only asking for one dollar in exchange for two free tickets to a Seattle Seahawk game as well as an all expense paid stay at Seattle’s luxurious Westin Hotel, brunch included.  I didn’t have to look in mom’s purse before I knew she had a dollar in it.  Before the salesman could file his taxes, I talked my mother into buying one of these tickets.  For an ignorant youth, that raffle ticket meant only one thing:  Free tickets to a Seattle Seahawks game and staying at the Westin Hotel with all the players.  Proudly, at the age of six, I knew what a ticket was, but sadly, I didn’t know what a “raffle ticket” was.

Other than figuring out travel plans, when my mother handed over that dollar to our neighborly shyster, I felt assured a ticket to a National Football game in the famously loud and notorious ugly Kingdome.   After the first week, I began bugging my mother about how long it would take before I had the tickets in my giddy paws.  With a kind smile and positive, yet truthful, words, she properly explained what the raffle was, softly describing how there was a pretty solid chance someone else, equally deserving, might end up winning the raffle.  Not giving up hope, she also encouraged me to write a letter to the Seahawk’s organization explaining, with great respect, why I was their biggest fan.  That was easy.  In my mind, I was.  After a few calls, my mother provided me the official address to the public relations department of the Seahawks.  I knocked this letter out in great detail, describing their best players, future Hall of Famer and wide receiver, Steve Largent, quarterback, and future Hall of Mediocrity, Jim Zorn, their charismatic kicker, Efron Herraha, and other players the public relations department probably didn’t recognize on the roster.

A month passed and the Seahawks never responded.  Later, I remember looking at the ticket and noticing the date of the game had passed.  It was official.  It wasn’t a winning ticket.  I understood, and when I showed it to my mother, she knew I was hurt, but I wasn’t crying.  She made me feel as though there were better or worse things to cry about.  Then, she gave me some butterscotch pudding.   It was the last time I cried over a losing team.

 

Much Ado about Football (or nothing)

I’m back in the fantasy football saddle again, and I am about to get bucked off only two weeks into the season, and it’s all my father’s fault.

The Fantasy Football League with which I’m currently participating does not require an entry fee.  It’s just meant to be fun, friendly competition amongst some friends and family members on my wife’s side.  Since both my wife and I have teams, we can share Sundays together watching modern day gladiators on television while I barbecue or cook a hearty Fall stew.  No gambling, great entertainment, digestible food, and a loving family.  Sounds like a stress free environment, right? Wrong.  Although it’s a great league filled with terrific participants,  there is only one thing keeping it from being perfect.  Me.  If this is where I strive for competitive excellence, I should seek therapy.  When my fantasy team falters in some way, I find myself speaking to the television set with a volume causing our dogs to look at me and say, “You ok, Papa?”   Who do I blame?  My father.

Years ago, my father’s art of raising his voice at a television set, fruitlessly trying to manipulate football players’ brain patterns, created tension throughout a very large household.   This trait being passed down to me is my only semi-legitmate excuse for acting like an immature ass in front of my wife and our confused animals while watching football.  I only wish they understood.  When I was growing up in a very large Irish/Catholic family (another excuse for just about anything stupid we’d do) we would watch the Notre Dame Fighting Irish football game every Saturday.  Let me clarify.  Dad would watch Notre Dame, and we would watch Dad.  Watching him seemed to be more entertaining.   Although our father didn’t really know, or claim to know, a great deal about gridiron strategy, he did know when a coach or player, especially the quarterback, would make a mental mistake.  When they did, the cigarette he was smoking would fly out of his mouth just before the verbal tirade.  They didn’t even wish to be on the ash end of his comments questioning the players’ and coaches’ levels of intelligence.  Remarkably, he could get his point across without too much profanity, so it didn’t make anyone in the room too nervous.  In fact, my brothers and I would try to keep from chuckling during his outbursts.

Without knowing the X’s and O’s of football, my father was all about clock management.   “Why are you running out of bounds when you need to keep the clock running?  That running back needs to have his ass kicked up between his shoulder blades.”  Or, “Ahhhhhh………why pass the ball when you need to keep the clock running?  This quarterback doesn’t need his head examined, he needs a lobotomy.”  Or,  “If they show the coach’s wife in the stands one more time looking nervous, I’ll fly to South Bend and give her a reason to look nervous.”  That last one was probably made up, because my father wasn’t a violent man.  And, although he liked going to Vegas or Reno once every few years, he wasn’t much of a gambler, so I know he didn’t have cash on the game.  This is why I questioned why he took it so seriously, and I have to question myself at the same time, because it’s simply ridiculous.

My brothers, Tom, Greg and I would root for Notre Dame, but mostly just because it would keep dad in a good mood.  Other than that, we didn’t really care.  We were preoccupied with the sweet sizzling smell of mom’s Saturday night burgers and getting a kick out of counting how many cigarettes dad would polish off during a stressful ND loss.  We must have second hand smoked two packs a Saturday back then.  Ahh…. when smoking was funny.  Those were the days.  Thank goodness he wasn’t a big drinker.

On the contrary, one of the wonderful traits my father passed down to me is the art of forgetting very quickly the meaningless loss with which you weren’t even a participant.  Even after a Notre Dame loss, when Dad’s cigarette was replaced with one of our mom’s burgers, all was well.  And, similarly, after the bowl of piping hot stew and warm french bread is placed in front of me after a stressful day of watching this terrific sport, I develop fantasy football amnesia.

Luckily for me, when my wife catches me uttering something sounding like I belong in a straight jacket during these fantasy football Sundays, a few minutes later, I’ll catch her doing the same, and we can both laugh.  She’ll never admit it, but I think she takes it more seriously than I do.

 

Surly in Seattle

The 2015 Super Bowl Sunday with my childhood favorite Seattle Seahawks playing for the championship of the American version of football world dominance ended emotionally: I’ve been waiting my whole life for this;  how can it get any better?  Wait a second…someone just informed me they won this title last year.  I guess I’ve only been waiting my whole year for this.  How can it get any worse?

For the last two weeks, everyone has maintained smiles in Seattle because of their NFC Championship win.  That’s the only reason I was hoping the Seahawks would win the Super Bowl.  A happy Seattle makes a happy Ben.  If they lost, which they did in the most inconvenient of fashion, I knew I would return to the angry traffic, (whether it be on the road or in a grocery store) the cloudy, rainy, and dismal atmosphere surrounding this beautiful city……depending on the weather, traffic, time and professional athletic success.

A little perspective:  I was fortunate enough to spend Super Bowl Sunday morning with my wife, two of my six sisters, and a wheelchair in an Emergency Room occupied by my mother.  Inconveniently, after separating her shoulder after a pre Super Bowl Touchdown Dance, our one hundred year old mother didn’t realize her fall would make her recognize all of her children cared more about her than the Super Bowl.

When we showed up at the E.R., and after mom knocked back a couple of pain pills, she looked at me with a bit of confusion.  Her eyes locked on mine and she said, “You look just like one of my sons.”  Entertaining her, I asked her which son I looked like.  (she has seven of them and I am the runt of the litter)  “Ben.”  Bingo.  I pulled a dollar out of my wallet and told her she won the pot.  It was a seven to one long shot, but she indeed earned that buck.  Three hours later, my mother was released from the hospital.  She was not going to miss the forty ninth Super Bowl.  Perhaps, she was so driven to watch this game because she missed the first forty eight Super Bowls while making pounds of clam dip for her husband and thirteen children.

Returning to our home in West Seattle, my wife and I watched the Super Bowl in disbelief.  Rather than crying because of the Seahawk loss, I instead laughed and decided we needed a vacation, because everyone in Seattle began honking their horns out of anger instead of the twelve man happiness.  Where are we heading?  We are going to the happiest place on Earth……..New York……a self proclaimed “country” which doesn’t believe the state of Washington exists any other time than football season.   It’s just too surly here in Seattle.

Fantasy Foolsball Lessons (R.I.P.)

If you really want my money, sell me a car or invite me to be in your Fantasy Football League.  In full testosterone gear, the 2014 Fantasy Football Season is in its ninth week, forcing me to recall some of the several thousand silly mistakes I’ve made in my life.

I currently own a car and a fantasy football team.  Each of them cost me money and respect.  They also require maintenance.  The car needs oil, much like I need the money to buy a computer, enter a fantasy league and place my gridiron gladiators in grave positions in which the team will ultimately fail.  The process of selecting a quality fantasy football team or a reliable car, according to your personality, are additionally similar.  My personality maintains an uncommon balance of impatience and abject stupidity.  For example, it took exactly thirty minutes for Carlson the Car Salesman to convince me to roll a particular car off of the lot.  The last fantasy football team I acquired took me a mere thirty minutes to assemble.  With this evidence, one may surmise that I have a tendency to dismiss the detailed research many others find necessary in the decision making process.

Shortly after beginning my first career, I purchased an automobile the very same year I was introduced to fantasy football.  Their demise ended in similar fashion.  Within my budget, the car seemed to be a reasonable deal.  It was advertised as having four wheel drive, power windows, locks, and according to the speedometer, only one hundred and twenty miles on it.  Come to find out, that speedometer was way off.  It only WENT to one hundred and twenty.  The four wheel drive was only two wheel drive, the defrost worked primarily in the summertime, and the air conditioner limited its availability to the winter. To drive a short story an even shorter distance, the truck ended up in the valley of misfit automobiles.

FFImage-NewspaperAs a first time owner of a fantasy football team in 1996,  I thought I could choose a team wisely and with terrific courage.  To help the process of developing a formidable team, I used a Fantasy Football cheat sheet I found in a nationally recognized sports periodical. That’s also where I thought I found my wisdom.  On draft night, while swilling beer and after choosing my number one pick, a running back, I learned a quick fantasy league lesson.  This lesson was much quicker than any running back in this draft…..especially mine. Once you choose your player, under no circumstance are you allowed to reconsider your pick.  No matter what the scenario, you are stuck.  After making my decision, one of the more competitive assholes participating in the draft let me in on an important detail regarding my player’s success.  He was dead.  Evidently, one month prior to this draft, he had been shot and killed in a nightclub.  The periodical I was using had been available in print one week before the player’s last rights were given.  Some of the competitors thought this was hilarious….. not the man’s death, of course, but over the notion I would make such a colossally horrific choice.  Personally, much like holding on to a live hand grenade, I found it quite courageous.

Here’s a tip:  Don’t take any of my advice……about anything…….ever.

The Super Pious Bowl

Fact:  Church attendance at Catholic Super Bowl Sunday Mass increases by seventy percent.

Fact: Ninety percent of the congregation is only praying for their team on this holy day.

Fact: Much of the congregation arrives thirty minutes early for tailgating.

Fact: Tailgating Christians are eighty percent more likely to attend church if port-a -potties are available within the place of worship.

Fact: Those attending mass possessing front pew tickets, after receiving the blood or body of Christ (communion), arrive to their home twenty minutes earlier than the other parishioners, given that these seats ensure a speedier exit.  They are the first to receive it, and the last to think about what it actually means.

Fact: This is one of the reasons the NFL televises the game at 6:30pm eastern time.  Everyone is drunk and tired, but still willing to watch the game.

Fact:   Eleventh Commandment:  Thou Shall not covet thy neighbor’s far superior home theater system.